


Sometimes the Answer Just Isn't Worth It

by Silverkleptofox



Series: Letters from Camp [3]
Category: Magnus Chase - Fandom, Percy Jackson and related works
Genre: Gen, Humor, Underworld theory, attempt to close a plothole, awkward moments, let Nico live, mentions of sweet transvestites from Transylvania, minor spoilers for Hotel Valhalla
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 13:45:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8016325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverkleptofox/pseuds/Silverkleptofox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being the son of Hades has its perks, but sometimes, being the only one who could possibly answer a question is a very... Awkward burden.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes the Answer Just Isn't Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> Every demigod knows that William Shakespeare is a son of Apollo. But in Hotel Valhalla, it is mentioned that Oðin also had a hand in influencing Shakespeare's talent.

"... To your left is the Elysian Fields. You may end up here if you died a heroic death, or if you can convince the judges you deserve it. It requires a unanimous decision. If you choose to reincarnate and are granted the Elysian Fields three times in a row, you will be automatically upgraded to an Isles-of-the-Blest suite, which you can see upcoming on your right." Nico deadpanned as he guided the group to their respective areas. Ever since Percy had seen both Olympus and the Underworld as well as his own father's kingdom, Nico's father, Hades, had lightened up on incoming underworld security. Hades figured that everyone was going to see his realm eventually anyway, so there was no use keeping it a secret. (That and Nico had convinced him to let his boyfriend visit... Occasionally.) Now there were scheduled tours once a month for interested demigods and the recently deceased. Naturally, Nico was the one who had to play tour guide. 

"... And that's the end of the tour. For the dead, head to the right to the hall of judgement. For the living, the exit ferry is to your left. Have your 5 drachmas ready. If you did not bring 5 drachmas, you will not be exiting the underworld." 

Two demigods and a hoard of spirits went their separate ways, leaving Nico free for the day. He was just wondering what he would do in the underworld when something colorful shimmered before him.

Iris Message from:  
ANNABETH CHASE  
Accept? 

Nico's eyebrows raised. Why was Annabeth of all people sending him an IM in the underworld? _Why_ was Annabeth sending him an IM? And _how?_ IM's could only access the underworld under certain circumstances, and the rules were very precise, if a bit convoluted. Annabeth wasn't on his permit list, unlike Will... Nico swiped 'yes' into the rainbow-colored must to see what everything was about.

Annabeth's grey eyes as blonde hair shimmered into focus, as well as someone else- he could've easily been her brother, they looked so similar. Did Annabeth have a brother? 

"How are you doing this?" Was the first thing out of Nico's mouth. 

Annabeth smiled fondly. "That's no way to say hello to a friend!"

"Seriously." Nico reiterated. "The living can't call down here unless it's special circumstances. Did you bribe Iris?"

Annabeth pursed her lips, her thinking face. "Can the dead IM the underworld? Because Magnus- oh I haven't introduced you!" She pulled the boy into view. "This is Magnus Chase, my cousin. He's technically dead." 

"Hi." Magnus waved, looking less-than-thrilled. 

Nico could empathize. 

"You're dead."

"Yeah." The blonde boy replied. "There was a funeral and everything." 

"But you're walking and talking and _not_ rotting. How?" 

"Well..." Annabeth began.

"I'm an einherjar." Magnus shrugged, interrupting her. 

"Oh, that makes sense." Nico nodded.  
Annabeth's eyes flew wide. "You know about the einherji!?" 

Nico rolled his eyes. "I know about the einherji, yes. Dad and I had dinner with Hel last month." 

"And you didn't think to tell us!" Anabeth said through her teeth.  
"I had to learn this from Magnus AFTER he died."

"To be fair I learned about it...by dying." Magnus interjected.

" _Anyway..._ " Nico replied. "... unless you have the blond who is on my approved caller list with you, why in Hades are you calling me?" Nico said, though he slightly enjoying seeing Anabeth get flustered.

Magnus- the dead kid- gently shoved Annabeth out of the center of the frame. "My cousin and I are having an argument. She says that Shakespeare was so good at poetry because he was a son of Apollo. _I_ say Shakespeare was so good at poetry because he found a drop of God-spittle mead that Oðin dropped and drank it, which I know to be true. Annabeth says you know Shakespeare personally- so which is it?"

Nico looked at Annabeth and Magnus in turn through the shimmering façade of the Iris-message. "You called the underworld to settle an argument about a dead poet?" He asked incredulously. "Wait, never mind. This is Annabeth we're talking about. Of _course_ you called me to ask about a dead poet. I'm assuming you want me to go find Shakespeare and ask him, don't you?" 

Annabeth nodded eagerly while Magnus simply shrugged. Nico was beginning to like this kid. "Please?" She begged.

"Fine." Nico huffed. "I've got nothing else to do today. But you're going to owe me one, Chase... And Chase." 

He slashed his hand through the rainbow, disconnecting the call. 

\---------

Unfortunately, William Shakespeare was not at the Hall of Judgement where Nico thought he would be. No, it just so happened to be one of his days off, as Constantine was so kind to inform him, so Nico had to _find_ him. What did Shakespeare even do for fun in the underworld? Nico didn't think he wanted to know. 

He began at the Elysian Fields, where he knew the playwright would sometimes have long talks with Plato, usually picking apart Classic movies and modern television shows. No luck, but Plato directed him to the Isles of the Blest. Something about _movie night._.  
\------

When Nico thought of 'movie night', he imagined a bunch of ghosts sitting before a big-screen TV or a projector eating snacks, maybe Walt Disney and Shakespeare discussing _The Lion King_ or something, not... _this._

Nico didn't even know what to call it. There was definitely a movie playing, but on a stage in front of it were spirits. Audrey Hepburn was holding hands with Robin Williams, Ginger Rogers had on tap shoes and a ginger wig, Benjamin Franklin looked much like himself except for the suit, and standing next to metallic gold speedo-clad Freddy Mercury was none other than William Shakespeare, in a corset, fishnets, and platform heels. 

Nico stood dumbfounded at the back of the auditorium until the show- apparently a musical about transvestites and aliens - was well over with. He wasn't sure whether to turn away out of decency or continue watching out of curiosity. 

He watched the whole thing.

"Ah! Nico, my boy! Didst thou enjoy our reverie on this fine night?" The familiar voice of the playwright carried as he made his way to the son of Hades. "Pray tell, what brings you to the theatre? I didst not take thee for a patron!" 

Nico shook himself out of his stupor, carefully averting his eyes from the 200-years-dead hairy English legs in garters and fishnets walking towards him. "Uhh.. Yeah. I just had a question, well... My friends... A couple of people I know have a question, and..."

Shakespeare laughed, the glitter on his eyelids drifting to the floor. "Cease thy dithering, boy, and _spit it out._ What dost thou ask of me?"

Nico took a deep breath to try and mitigate the awkwardness. "An einherjar told me that you gained your skill in poetry by drinking some of the God-spittle that Oðin dropped on Midgard, but I know you're a son of Apollo. The God of poetry. So which is it?" 

"You wish to know the source of my prowess in the poetic arts?" The playwright asked, with a twinkle in his eye. Or maybe it was more glitter, Nico couldn't tell. He nodded.

"Drinking and dick jokes." 

Nico choked. "W..What!?"

"Aye, my boy! I was at a tavern most swarthy near Stratford, and lo and behold a ruddy hulking fellow with a russet beard walketh in. He did seat himself beside me and we partook of ale and beer in good company. I didst partake a bit too heartily of the drink, and my companion and I engaged in a battle of wits. He was sorely amused at my wits- especially so at my jests of our _'junk',_ " he chuckled. It just didn't sound right to hear modern slang words coming from a 17th-century poet, but Nico wasn't going to say anything. 

"He laughed heartily, pounding his great hammer upon the bar-counter, even as I lamented that no one would take my work seriously. He said unto me 'If I can get your work onstage, doest thou promise to include many jests of this sort?' And I agreed! Then he told me of a piece of olden magic, which would greatly increase my luck with the publishers and playhouses. I didst follow his instruction, and discovered in a grassy knoll a bit of sun-golden mead sparkling brightly in a hollowed bit of stone."

"And you drank it?"

"Indeed I did! Not a day later I was approved to put my work to the stage in London! So you see, fair Prince of peril, my talent comes from mine father, but my fame, I doth attribute to drinking and dick jokes." He laughed, throwing his powdered wig back dramatically. Nico ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. He should've known.

\-----------

"So!? Which is it? How did Shakespeare get so good at poetry?" Annabeth demanded excitedly over the IM. Magnus seemed nonplussed as he sipped a juice pouch. 

Nico looked her straight in the eye and spoke with all seriousness: "Drinking and dick jokes." 

Magnus spat out his drink, all over Annabeth's hair. She glared at him as he stifled his giggling. "Seriously, Nico." She rolled her eyes. "Which one?"

Nico shrugged. "That's what he told me. He got famous through drinking and dick jokes." 

"And that's all he said!?" She said, a hint of a disappointed whine in her voice. 

"Oh no of course not, he told me everything." Nico smirked. "But I had to see him in a corset and fishnets and platform heels to get the info out of him and I'm scarred for life, so that's all you're getting." 

"NICO!!" He heard her shout over Magnus' laughter as he cut the connection. Nico chuckled, and then headed to the River Lethe to try and erase what he had seen.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, that was various famous actors and playwrights through the ages doing a shadocast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. You're welcome. 
> 
> Frank n furter- William Shakespeare  
> Janet Weiss - Audrey Hepburn  
> Brad- Robin Williams  
> Riff raff- Benjamin Franklin  
> Columbia- Ginger Rogers  
> Rocky-Freddy Mercury


End file.
